February 2nd: GroundDog Day
by: m. “I don’t want to take credit for this one” jared
If you’re a normal person (why are you at a site called “The Bro Journey?”), I can make a few fair assumptions about your general character and your daily activities… you’ve probably sipped your morning coffee, taken a shot of Jack or hammered away at spinning class as part of your morning routine to prepare for a day of greatness. No matter what it is you do, you are probably humming about your day with relative ease and I’m going to make one last assumption… I can guarantee that you didn’t give two shits if you saw your shadow or not this morning. It’s either unseasonably warm and tolerable for where you live, or you actually do something / live somewhere pretty cool and don’t really care if winter goes on for another six weeks because there is no such thing as cold on Necker Island. However, in America we believe in tradition, old wives tales, drive-through meals and that your four wheeler damn well better be gassed up every weekend.
As you know, it is Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil or General Beauregard Lee have popped their little fury heads out of the ground and a gaggle of really bored and rich middle-aged white men have scooped them up and made some asinine prediction about the weather for the next six weeks. “Great, another groundhog day is in the books. Someone pass me the scotch so I can make it to March Madness in peace!” is probably what you’re saying at this point. Hold on a second there, big guy. What if i told you that all of this groundhog non-sense was a cover up for a much more intricate and mortifying reality that fury creatures that live underground have no bearing on the weather patterns across our planet? I’m talking, of course, about the birth of Duane Chapman, better known to Team Talllsome as the messiah, and to common folk as Dog the Bounty Hunter, and how HIS actions predict the weather around the world instead of underground and overweight squirrels… Well hold on tight folks, I’m about to f*** you up with some truth. Welcome to the new worldwide holiday GroundDog Day!!
Dog the Bounty Hunter hits the ripe age of 59 today and I’ve developed a theory so intricate and ornate that Stephen Hawking himself might shit his pants when he realizes the complexities and relative truths I have uncovered with this hypothesis. I won’t bore you with my “Bro Journeyith Theorem,” where I take intense data crunching, (hours of watching A & E) vomit inducing theory mapping (41 car bombs over a 4 hour period), and a technically sound and impossible to disprove mathematical equation (throwing a dart at my wall) where I have concluded that the Groundhogs we so dearly love for their worthy and scientific use of the study of weather is all false!!
Now I know what you’re thinking …
“GASP??!! How could I do that? What sort of asshole doesn’t believe in Shubenacadie Sam??!! You are a monster, good sir and I’d appreciate it if you sold your equity share of TBJ to Max so we could officially hipster-fy this here blog!!”
Well I’m here to tell you 1.) Dog the Bounty Hunter is ALWAYS right 2.) I am more of a hipster than Max. Now to my theory…
I believe that Groundhogs don’t predict the weather, instead its Dog the Bounty hunter’s actions on his birthday that tell if we will have six more dreaded weeks of winter or if we will kick into an early bikini-clad spring. We all know the cliche attempts at people to live exponentially more cool on their birthday’s and I KNOW that Dog is no different than your average man, (although his dreamcatcher earrings look like they were custom-made by Crazy Horse himself which in and of itself makes him immortal (among many other characteristics which I will expound upon for the rest of my literary career)) seeing Dog out in public on his birthday is a good sign that we will see an early spring and if we DON’T see Dog, well, you better hunker down for six more weeks of shit. I came to this most asinine theory through the following criteria…
1.) If Dog is taking his wife to Pleasuretown throughout the whole of his birthday (like we expect all men to do), the raw fury brought on by his manly thrusting will surely tilt the axis of the Earth causing a shift AWAY from the equator and continuing this icy bitch of a winter.
2.) Coupled with Dogs massively sculpted manhood is his wifes, uhm, “bust” being tossed around all day in the sack with the Dog would continue this shift. The sheer mass of their love making would continue throwing the earth off its axis further pushing the northern geographic regions AWAY from the equator in a reverse action to the Earth’s natural shift throughout the seasons.
3.) If Dog stays in all day, not fighting criminals and banging it out with his wife, the sheer chaos of “ice heads” and “CONVICTS” running rampant in Hawaii would simply be too much and the Earth would continue the shift caused by Dog taking Beth to the proverbial “poundtown”.
With these three criteria I find that if you see Dog at anytime today we will SURELY head right into springtime and the world will rejoice. If we DON’T see the Big Bad Dog, we are doomed for another six weeks of winter because Dog’s most powerful loins will shift the entire northern hemisphere AWAY from the equator. Now if you don’t believe THAT and you believe a fury critter predicting whether or not you can run outside in shorts, science be damned!!
Since I took so much of your time explaining such a brilliant theory, I posted a video from Grey’s Blog below that actually makes sense and might help you understand Groundhog day better than my theory. However, I personally believe Dog the Bounty Hunter has been causing delayed winters because he is too much of a man and is literally shifting the Earth with his unearthly thrusts. I also think French Creek Freddie is full of shit and Dog is going to send us to an extended winter. Long live the Dog and Happy Birthday BRADDA!!