by matt jared

All men are the same and created* equally…

All men love the taste of animals after they have died and been put through varying degrees of fire.

All men love the smell of said dead animals as they exit their bodies (Via mouths or hind quarters (or burps and farts if you have co-founded a site called The Bro Journey)).

All men love sport and athletic achievement.

And finally, all men love to be entertained.

As a man, I love dead animals being crammed into my mouth (and as Max knows after a month of cohabitation, I love to fart). I love athletic achievment (Kuck Fentucky. It’ll be given back to the NCAA in a few years, Big Blue Nation) and sport (despite my ankle looking like THIS). On the other hand, I have admitted multiple times to our fellow journeyers that I have pretty poor taste in the entertainment category of my manliness.

When it comes to the latest fads in books, movies, music and TV I do as the popular folk do and I put my tail between my legs and follow along. Although I do want to be a hipster, I’m a hardcore pop culture follower. And believe you me, once The Hunger Games got popular, I hopped on that bandwagon faster than Mark Zuckerberg hopped onto Instagram.

While I was reading / watching / hunting squirrels in our back yard to prepare myself, I thought that my fellow man might need a guide to fully enjoy The Hunger Games series. So without further ado, I’m gonna walk y’all through The Reaping of The Hunger Games… Bro Journey-style.

The Bro Journey with our stylist for The Games... the legendary Somedrunkhomelessguy Smith

Read the damn book.

I know that men / bros / dudes / dudebros are only supposed to be jacked, complete 10Ks, make outstanding food for their finer counter parts and write manly blogs, but damnit I believe in us, fellow men. I think you ALL can knuckle up and read AAH book, much less a book written for teenagers. I know I’m setting my sights high but Jesus H. Christ, it’s a book. And no, you will not get any Accelerated Reader or “Book It” points.

After you’ve read the book you are to speak to no one and go straight to the movie theater and bask in the glory of the movie.

Drink in that beard.

The main gamemaker of The 74th Annual Hunger Games, Seneca Crane, is a total hoss. His character in my mind while reading the book didn’t have such gnarly facial hair, but the movie portrayal gives little to the imagination of what a real man does in Panem during The Games. (Serendipitious side note: I read THG the weekend of the Eggnog Jog which happens to be during Movember and I happened to have some bitchin facial hair myself. (Someone needs to regulate the paranthetical side notes on this damned blog (I’m halfway through season five of Friday Night Lights so I say “damned” a lot (like Coach Taylor)))). Anyway, his facial hair was surprisingly awesome.

This beard is actually the destination of The Bro Journey.

Get used to Katniss.

She’s seriously a knock out and her acting chops are pretty solid. She WAS nominated for an Oscar last year for Winter’s Bone and despite my initial hatred of her, Jennifer Lawrence will be around for a long time. And we’re not complaining.

And no, you sick sonsofbitches, Winter’s Bone is NOT a film about what men experience when January Jones makes her comeback to Mad Men. It’s apparently a movie and the dude over at the Academy thought Jennifer Lawrence did a bang up job (See what I did there?). Also, as I said about Ms. Arizona, if anyone out there knows Jennence (I’m taking the credit for that one) and she’s looking for an unemployed co-founder of bro journeys then send her my way.

Cuddling is the best way to stay safe in The Arena.

Billy Hoyle plays a mean Haymitch

Besides Lenny Kravitz being absolutely amazing in the film, Woody Harrelson holds it together for the established members of the cast. Although he doesn’t get nearly as blacked out as I wanted (this IS THG via TBJ (acronyms, F#&% YEAH)), he kills it. And as for “Fly Away” Kravitz… Max and I both agree that it is perfectly acceptable to weap when he and Katniss bid one another farewell. Also, Katniss gets picked. If you’re enough of a dick pickle to make it this far without figuring that out then you deserve to be thrown into The Arena while being called a dick pickle, which is a phrase that I just created.

“I agree.” – Tim Riggins.

Expect some deep thoughts

As I said before, all men love eating char-grilled meats, burping the alphabet, being baddass at sports (like kickball), and being entertained. Well I have a pleasant surprise for you Bro Journeyers, this movie is freakin’ intense.  The whole point of The Games is to survive. Think about that for one second before you go back to tweeting The Rock with your latest #bootstoasses inspiration. I can guarandamntee that you’ll have some deep thoughts during the book and movie.

My thoughts exactly.

Start your own Hunger Games

Max and I are always talking about the mosquitos that have camped out by our front door. They piss me off to no end. Besides that, and coming up with Jaba the Hut phrases, we usually talk about how to make absurd amounts of money doing cool stuff through business ideas and / or moving to Baltimore, befriending Omar and making some shit happen. (INDEEEEEED)

Anyway, the biggest thing that has hit the mainstream fitness world over the past few years are the Warrior Dash-type runs that involve intense physical exertion, mud piles and unorthodox challenges. People line up in hoards to participate  (The Bro Journey included) and whoever is running the show behind the scenes is making a killing.

Well we feel that the next wave of such activities will be a Hunger Games-type matchup. No, stop there. We don’t want you to go kill 23 children so you can be the Bro Journey Games champion, we want you to come up with a way to make it fun to play with friends or over a long weekend or in a challenging atmosphere like the Warrior Dash. Some would argue that life in general is similar to The Hunger Games, but if you found a way to incorporate a survival day into shooting your friends with paintballs and somehow got Jennence (Jennifer Lawrence, remember?) to join you then you’re going to make $900 Billion, guaranteed.

Get ready

Although this shit is the cray of all cray… There are TWO more books and THREE more movies. The Bro Journey will be old and grey when it’s all said and done and we’ll most likely be a corporation traded publicly (trading under: TBJ) and Max and I will most definitely not be on speaking terms (movie rights are still for sale), but holy shit every page I turned just added to the level of epicness and the movie was pure gold. So here’s to you, Suzanne Collins. And may the odds forever be in my favor as I try and pick up a southern belle tonight at Shakespeares.

*Yes I said created. Go fly a kite**, atheists.

**Tesla > Edison