by E. Max Bonem, Esq.

Greetings minions and welcome to the the final countdown to the hairiest month of year (this is sort of up for debate, I’ve been living the hairiest year of my life, but yesterday I trimmed my face for the first time since mid-June and I feel super (sidenote – Matt asked me if I’d skinned a beaver and left its hide in our bathroom wastebasket this morning. Cohabitation at its finest.)). As many of you know, Movember is a month-long event in which us lads let our upper lips grow wild in order to raise money for prostate cancer research.

Not only is it a fun/joyous event, but for many, it is the only time that they’ll get to experience the joys/pains of living with a mustache. It’s a formative experience it is, what with the weird glances and the perpetual/insatiable desires of all who surround you to do nothing more than mount your face. True story. However, Movember is about WAY more than growing a mustache. The ‘stache is used as a symbol and a rallying cry, but what Movember is really about it raising research funding & awareness of a debilitating disease that WILL affect multiple men in your lives. It just so happens that we get to look silly/refine/Selleck-esque while doing good.

Mo on boys and one day, you too can be this 80s-epic.

In honor of our sacred month, Matthew & I have been working on a new site (aptly titled “The Bro Journey) that will be launched as soon as humanly possible (aka 11:59pm, October 31st) in order to celebrate and educate some-a-y’all on, what else, but all things MAN. As a lead up to the holiest of holies (cue my unveiling of the Ark of the Brovenant), I thought it was time to share with everyone the oddest email that Matt & I encountered last Movember from none other than John Elerick, editor on Tosh.O & co-creator of The Gentlemen’s Rant. John, who hails from somewhere near Cleveland, and I have never met (that’s right folks, there are people from Ohio who DON’T know each other. Can I get you a pop?), but based solely on where he was spawned onto this Earth, I loathe his very existence (oddly enough, I also find him very humorous).

Last Movember, we reached out to John to see if he would contribute a piece to our Movember coverage and, to our surprise, not only did he respond, but he crafted some memorable prose (I use that term VERY loosely here). Below is John’s response in full. Um, enjoy?

Nice Stache Cleveland.

Most Guys – “Hey dude, me and some of the other guys around the office are growing out our mustaches for ‘Movember,’ care to partake?”

Me – “No thanks bro.  I prefer to donate to cancer research without looking like a pedophile.”

My problem with Movember isn’t its cause.  I believe in donating to cancer research, as well as any other charity that betters humanity.  My problem with Movember is the douchebags who only donate so they can grow a moustache.  We see their stupid facebook profile pics and their constant status updates.  We have to hear these assholes in the hall and bathroom, by the water cooler and parking lot.  

Hey pal, I donated to NPR last week and didn’t fucking wear a neon pink shirt to work that read “I just fucking donated $250 to NPR.  Isn’t this shirt bright?”

Most of these guys don’t give a shit about cancer, they like the attention.  They get to walk around pointing to a receipt on their upper lip for a month. And boy, do they ever point.  I set aside about $1000 a year for charity.  I also go through my wardrobe every January and donate all of the clothes I haven’t worn in the past 12 months to Good Will.  Most people wouldn’t know it because it’s not something you brag about, it’s something you do, because it helps others. 

I once almost ran over a puppy in a grocery store parking lot because I couldn’t see him.  I waited for 15 minutes for the owner so I could yell at them for leaving a fucking 2 foot dog tied up to a shopping cart in the middle of a busy parking lot.  Eventually a man walked up and claimed that the pup was his, but he had to get rid of it because it was too much work.  He told me that I could have the dog, whose name was Spike, if I wanted.  I said that I didn’t need a dog and then asked what he was going to do if I didn’t take him.  He said leave him there, someone eventually would.  My immediate thought was, ‘someone is going to run over this dog,’ so I put Spike in my car and off to Pet Smart we went.

Now do I tell that story to every women I meet?  Yes, of course I do.  I slept with more women in 2010 than I ever have.  Ladies, call me… I saved a dog.

In summation you should always do the right thing without boasting, just do it.  P.S.  Your mustache looks like shit.

If that doesn’t inspire you to achieve greatness, I don’t know what will.