by: matt jared

I’m in the kitchen, cooking with fire (as they say on The Food Network (so I’m told)) and chopping away at what is sure to be a masterpiece. My Lipton noodles are waiting to be set ablaze with bubbly water (read: boiling) and Sriracha and all I need to add for premium nomage is butter… yet I’m somehow totally lost and stumped (and most likely looking quite dumb). I glare over and The Asshat (otherwise known as The Maxhat (or Max)), who is snickering as I struggle to tell the difference between tsp and tbsp,  therefore ruining my shot at making a good dinner and / or impressing any female I ever might cook for. Should I heat my water in Celcius, Faranheit or Kelvin? Should I add two cups, three gallons or a pint of water for maximum noodle texture?! What the shit is the difference, people!?

It’s not lost on you that the world we live in is a crazy place. For instance, Max and I live like a mile away from 80,000 bats. And neither of us has seen a single bat since I arrived. CRAZY, right?! What boggles my frontal lobe even more is that a mile for me could be 17,000 steps for a person of average height and 80,000 bats is nothing for Oswald Cobblepot. (Who is NOT wearing hockey pants)

Well, I’m tired of all the discrepancy in the world, frankly. It’s about time we pulled a Jimmy Chitwood and figured out the measurements of this here gymnasium we call Planet Earth. Today’s post is brought to you buy the word “WHAT” and the phrase “THE F*CK IS GOIN ON!” because I’m tired of not knowing how to measure things. So without further ado, I present to you the Manly Measurement Manifesto….

What the tits is Jimmy doing out there?!

A Mile — It takes about a mile for a man to complain. We live a little over a mile from 6th street (and Shakespeares (and Thomas)) and I tried to complain about walking JUST as we’re getting to Handlebar to slam Guinness and hope a hipster chick will look at us condescendingly enough so we will approach her. Translation: I LOVE hipster chicks. If you’re curious how far you walked to get to that secret hiking trail and one of your pals has just started bitching, you’ve been at it for about a mile.

Example: We walked a mile to get through the line for The Avengers. I then walked another mile extra after to clear away from the trail of shame I left upon exiting the theatre.


Ten Miles — Every person (aka OU Alumnus)  has had to “walk ten miles” to get their D.P. Dough fix because the dick pickle of a delivery driver didn’t know how to get to Wray Hall and you decided to take matters into your own hands. No matter what the situation, every person on this earth has run ‘about ten miles’ as well. If you ask any pseudo-altheltic person how far they may have run in one instance they will answer with “about ten.”

Example: Dude it was TENSE! We ran from 1st street to 6th. It was like a ten mile run, easy.

Example: I play in an indoor kickball league. I easily run about ten miles per match. I’m so active out there, I’m like a leopard.

That ten mile run was a little intense on my ‘stache.

A Football fied — Just to clarify, a football field is 120 yards. Don’t forget the end zones, hoss. A canadian football field is 291 yards. Don’t forget the free healthcare stations, hoss. With that, it’s important to remember that yards don’t mean shit anymore after we’ve established our new rules and a football field now correlates with how far anyone who went to college can sprint without passing out.

Example: We went to the bar and stole 17 cases of Malt Liquor. We made it about “a football field” before the owner caught up with us and kidnapped Billy. Kind of a bummer, if you ask me.

A Shit Ton — Think about the amount of food it takes to split open the tortilla at Chipotle. That’s a shit ton of burrito.

Example: I’m pretty hungry. I’m gonna get a shit ton of pita chips and some HUMMUS!!

Example: My uncle spent last summer in the forrest working on his “novel.” He did a shit ton of drugs.

THAT is a shit ton of breakfast taco.

A Fuck Ton — Okay we just learned all about the art of A SHIT TON. Now take everything you’ve been taught about a shit ton and multiply it by about 30 and you have entered the world of a FUCK TON. When I ask the burristo (that’s what burrito makers are called right?) for extra black beans, chicken, sour cream AND guac and they pile them on like they’re going out of style, a fuck ton ensues.

Example: When you drink 22 shots in sequence while trying to turn your pool cue into Thor’s hammer. That’s a fuck ton of shots, right? Answer me, you quim!!

Example: If you go to any music festival this summer there will be a fuck ton of tevas (and drum circles, for that matter).

Presented without comment.

10 minutes: This is the standard amount of time in the 21st century. I had a boss who used to ask for “two seconds of my time.” A perfect amount for me to flip him the bird, but that’s neither here nor there.

Example: I’m gonna take a shower, make food, start my laundry and Skype my entire family. It’ll only be like 10 minutes.

Example: We were waiting in line for like ten minutes. It was forever. (I would wait a millenium for Chipotle so this example kind of sucks(or does it))

Skyping with Max is the true bro journey.

Back In The Day: Any thing that ever happened in the recent past is known as a few months ago. Nobody really knows EXACTLY how long ago something happened so we’ll just assume it was a few months ago OR in most cases we’ll refer to it as “back in the day.”

Example: I was trading for a Shaq rookie card back in the day, but had to get rid of Charizard to make the deal work.

Example: Back in the day I had some gnarly haircuts. I once had a buzzed head with JUST bangs.

I would NEVER trade my Big Country trading card collection.

BACK in the Day: Now when you want to refer to a time period before you, or any member of your family, was alive, you just need to emphasize the “back” in “back in the day” when you want to communicate how long ago you’re referencing.

Example: My family was comprised mostly of nerf herders on Tatooine, but that was BAAAAAACK in the day in a galaxy far far away.

Example: Nikola Tesla elbow dropped Thomas Edison in a science cage match. That was BAAAAAACK in the day though and he couldn’t tweet all his cool patents so now every other ass-hat thinks Edison was cool.

Example: Thomas Jefferson sold pot to my great great great grandpa. But that Was BAAAAAAACK in the day so that’s not a valid excuse for trying to bunk up at Monticello.

What do you mean Butterfinger BB’s didn’t make it to the future?!

10 pounds: Everyone who has ever tried to lose weight (or communicate that they’ve lost weight) has lost “about 10 pounds.” Now with our simple measurement system we can just keep numbers out of this and have a more practical use with our references.

Example: I’m about “10 pounds” away from losing another chin.

Example: Ten pounds and three years ago I was quite the looker. I could walk up stairs without passing out!

Example: If I eat these seven snickers bars I’ll only slightly lose sight of my goal of losing 10 pounds.

Get back on that treadmill, tubby.

Now I know that I’ve forgetten some common things we ALL say. Hit me up on the twits or blast me a new face in the comments if you think this sucks or you have more measurements to add. We would love to hear from you guys.

Since this is my second Full Disclosure Friday that I haven’t really disclosed anything I want to let you all know that I actually DID have a haircut (known as the pineapple) that was just bangs resting on a buzzed head. There will be an instragram coming once I find evidence of this madness. Have a great weekend, y’all. Thanks for reading.