By E. Max Bonem, Esq.

Editor’s Note: You all may have heard about the tragedy that occurred this morning involving our dearest loyal ally, mentor, and wildlife survival expert, Ron Swanson. NBC has decided to exterminate him, along with the rest of the Parks & Rec staff, immediately. It’s days like this where I’m sad that such incredibly brilliant people will no longer be able to bestow their gift of humor, heart, and outstanding moments of Swanson greatness upon the world, but with much hope, and a little luck, someone else will take a chance on such an amazing show and pick it up for another season. Pawnee Forever my fellow cohorts, Pawnee Forever. (Cue Matt on top of a truck chanting “Viva Knope” at the top of his fish tank – size lungs (amen)). 

Editor’s Note on Editor’s Note: Update – Parks & Recreation has been picked up (and there was much rejoicing).

Friends, Bromans, and all lady-fans alike, lend me your ears (or your eyes in this case), Matt and I actually have some legit news to share with y’all (and no, it has nothing to do with the site updates that we’ve had on the furthest back of burners for months (then again this is my second post of the week after not having written one for the better part of two months (best blogger ever (BRO JOURNEY)))), but before that, I feel it’s time that I shed some light on something larger than even Matt and my love for large quantities of food, Mary-Louise Parker, or Tim Riggins’ habit of referring to his former Panther teammates by the numbers that adorned their backs (ONES!!!!!).

MLP is the way to be. Amen.

What is The Bro Journey? I’m sure this is something that many (aka our moms) have been wondering about for some time. How did this name come about? Were there other suggested titles? How did Max not force his will of something significantly more hipstery (i.e. The Beard Journey, Secret ‘Stache, Fixed Wheelings)/obscure-in-reference (i.e. Han Shot First, Paul Is Dead, YankeeBrotelFoxtrot) onto the blog? Well folks, unfortunately there’s no grandiose story detailing our epic voyage of conquering evil and traversing such rough terrain and dire straits that even Mr. Frodo and O.G. Samwise Gamgee would’ve just said, “F*ck it all, I’m going back to The Shire, yo.” However, just imagine a cross between Bill & Ted and The Last Crusade and you’re at least a quarter of the way there (minus Sean Connery’s role as a father figure (“We named the dog Indiana.”)

The most precious of Bro Journeys

From what I recall, whilst Matt & I rode our bikes through Spring Grove Cemetery, taking in the beautiful grounds and the site of my uncoordinated arse attempting to find my balance on an undersized bike, Big Gene talked about how much of a “bro journey” we were on. Imagine, if you can, Matt (adorned in a basketball jersey/LAX penny and the biggest basketball shorts you ever did see) and myself (let’s just say I was nude) bathing in the sunshine (maybe I should retract the nude statement), eating snacks, and discussing the intricacies of life’s little details (ya know, things like: photosynthesis, death, and those little cheese sandwich crackers with the peanut butter in the middle), all while I try to conquer a skill most kids learn before they can even write in cursive (do they even still teach cursive in schools?). It was glorious.

Sadly, our scribe/confidant/Ohio correspondent Maxwell J. Hopkins did a terrible job at transcribing the interaction and, much like the Dead Sea Scrolls & Ten Commandments before them, our origins story is lost to history (Quick note – If a biopic happens to be made about our humble broginnings anytime soon, I imagine Chris Pratt (Andy from Parks & Rec) and John Krasinski (Jim from The Office) would play Matt and I, respectively).

However, as time passed, our lives took on a whole new level of Bro Journeyness when Matt freakin’ moved 1,200 miles to Austin to live with me (seriously, think about the preposterousness of that decision. I mean, sure, he claimsthat he wanted to explore his job options in Austin and experience the tech/start-up scene, but let’s be real here…).

Oh Joy.

Since then, our shared existence has been on arduous Bro Journey with little saga-pockets opening up regularly. Some of these mini-journeys would include: Matt’s first trip to Torchy’s Tacos, the night Matt’s ankle exploded, floating the river for the first time, the “Dark Week,” Sunday Night on Monday Night (copyright pending), and the multiple 10Ks that we (as a team (and when I say team, I really mean me (note: see Matt’s ankle exploding)) have participated in.

With all of those moments (especially the last one) in mind, I have finally gotten to the point in this diatribe where I make sense of why I’m choosing now to bring up the “Bro Journey” philosophy because, finally, Matt and I are embarking on a legit BRO-F*CKING-JOURNEY (somewhere a group of dudes have gone all flash-mobby with an impromptu/choreographed “USA” chant (America!!!!)). Ladies and Gentlemen, Team Tallsome/The Bro Journey is participating in a triathlon on Sunday, July 15th.

“HHHHHWWWWWHHHHAAAATTTT!?”

Oh yes folks, Matt and I (along with two beautiful young lady friends) will be embarking on a Couples (we’re doing same-sex teams, hold the obvious jokes for later) Triathlon that includes an 800-meter swim, 11+ miles bike ride, and a 5K (if you had told me that I’d be laughing at the idea of only having to run 3.12 miles during the course of an event just a few years ago, I would’ve slapped you and most likely eaten a sandwich (those were more satisfying times)).

Oddly enough (assuming Matt’s exploded ankle has fully recovered by then), both members of our Team have doubts in the same department – the swim. As many of you know, I have taken quite a liking to biking around town and, although I know biking 11 miles among a group of hundreds of other cyclists is not the same as biking my mile-long commute to work each day, this doesn’t really phase me (although successfully completing this portion of the Tri while riding my single speed seems HIGHLY unlikely, so I’ll be looking for other options in that area (sorry for not being more hardcore)). Additionally, the running, as previous stated, is nothing to fret over. But the swim, ugh.

I have a long, checkered history with swimming, dating back to my summers at the Clifton Meadows Swim Club where I always ended up being a bit older than most of my fellow swim classmates. Although I have no fear of water per-se (except for the DEEP, DEEP blue as-far-as-the-eyes-can-see aka favorite-scene-for-all-aspiring-shark-week-filmmakers ocean), I’ve just never been much for swimming recreationally.

Seriously dude, what ARE you thinking?

Now, I know 800 meters isn’t really that far (according to some quick googling, I believe a standard lap pool is 50m long, so that’s just 16 laps according to some further googling (GOOGLE ME THERE!)), but it’s not just the distance – it’s also the fact that hundreds of other people will be trying to swim, claw, and slither past me while I’m trying to keep anything resembling a good pace (is it odd that all I can imagine is Harry Potter being trapped in the cave by the sea during The Half-Blood Prince and all of the dead folks clawing at him for life? Well, I need to find the magic of Dumbledore from within to vanquish such vile thoughts (I assure you this will NOT be the nerdiest reference ever made on The Bro Journey (You’ve been warned))).

Step 1: Learn proper stroke. Step 2: Learn to harness the power of fire

All in all I think this will be great challenge for the four of us that are competing and, if nothing else, it’ll be a great opportunity for Matt and I to show off all of our man parts shoved inside some seriously stretchy Tri-shorts (get your cameras ready folks). In the coming months, Matt and I will be practicing our stroke (get your minds out of the gutter you sick f*cks), honing our biking abilities (I seriously have no idea how to shift on a bike correctly, but I have a feeling that’ll come up), and showing off more of our brodacious bods than anyone knows what to do with.

You’ve been warned World, prepare for The Bro Journey’s first real BRO JOURNEY (cue the horn section/BASS LINE).